| An Amazing Connection With God | |
| A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!" |
Monday, June 18, 2012
connection.....
JOGGGIIING
| 10 Reasons Not To Jog | |
| 1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is. 2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. 3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up. 4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body. 6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. 7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. 8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. 9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country. 10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. |
0-200
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Yo Mama jokes
Yo mama so skinny her nipples touch.
Yo mama so skinny she has to hold herself above the toilet for fear of falling in.
Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama so ugly she looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Yo mama so ugly that not even goldfish crackers smile back
Yo mama so ugly Bob the Builder looked at her and said "I CAN'T FIX THAT!"
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Yo mama so poor when I went to rob her house i went in the front door and tripped out the back.
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her!
Yo mama so poor she uses curtains as blankets!
Yo mama so skinny she has to hold herself above the toilet for fear of falling in.
Yo mama so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama so ugly she looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Yo mama so ugly that not even goldfish crackers smile back
Yo mama so ugly Bob the Builder looked at her and said "I CAN'T FIX THAT!"
Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy she's got a remote control just to operate her remote!
Yo mama so lazy that she came in last place in a recent snail marathon.
Yo mama so poor when I went to rob her house i went in the front door and tripped out the back.
Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!
Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
Yo mama so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo mama so poor she drives a peanut.
Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama so poor she has the ducks throw bread at her!
Yo mama so poor she uses curtains as blankets!
Thursday, January 26, 2012
taxi
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Akin
Joke!!!
Akin is a house boy who drinks
his Boss'Ȋ̊§ wine den adds water. His Boss became suspicious and decided to change the brand of his wine, So he bought pasties, a̶̲̥̅̊ wine that turns milky when water is added (just like detol), as usual Akin drank from the wine and topped it with water and immediately the wine became milky and he knew he was in trouble. When his Boss came back and saw the changed wine, he knew he had nailed ...Akin. Akin knowing he was in trouble decided 2 stay put in the kitchen. The Boss having told his wife what he observed now swung into action. "Akin!" he called from the sitting room. He answered: "Yes Oga". Who drank my wine? Akin didn't answer. The Boss asked again, still no answer. Then His Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane or what? when I called, you said "yes oga" but wen I asked you a question you dn't answer me? Akin replied,"hmmmmmm oga when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all except your name" "Is that so?" his boss asking his wife. Okay, go to the bar stand beside Madam, while I go into the kitchen then, you ask me a question. Akin accepted. When his boss was in the kitchen he shouts: "Oga". "Yes, Akin" The Boss answered. Akin then asked, Who goes into Aunty Yetunde's bedroom at midnight when Madam is not at home? No answer. Akin shouted again: "Boss, I say who dey sneak into Aunty Yetunde?s room when madam no d̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ house? ??answer. The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders shall never end
Ọ̥ọ̥ọ̥ ". Akin, It's true Ọ̥ọ̥ọ̥ , when one is in the kitchen, he doesn't anything except one's name. The wife now very angry interrupted, that's not true. It's a̶̲̥̅̊ BIG lie! Akin asked if she'll enter the magic kitchen and be tested and she agreed. Akin shouted "Madam", she answered "Ɣε̲̣̣̣̥§ Akin". Akin asked madam, Who'Ȋ̊§ junior'Ȋ̊§ biological father? Me or Oga? Madam rushed out of the kitchen. Its true dear, this kitchen needs to be fumigated oo!
Akin is a house boy who drinks
his Boss'Ȋ̊§ wine den adds water. His Boss became suspicious and decided to change the brand of his wine, So he bought pasties, a̶̲̥̅̊ wine that turns milky when water is added (just like detol), as usual Akin drank from the wine and topped it with water and immediately the wine became milky and he knew he was in trouble. When his Boss came back and saw the changed wine, he knew he had nailed ...Akin. Akin knowing he was in trouble decided 2 stay put in the kitchen. The Boss having told his wife what he observed now swung into action. "Akin!" he called from the sitting room. He answered: "Yes Oga". Who drank my wine? Akin didn't answer. The Boss asked again, still no answer. Then His Boss went to the kitchen to meet him there: "Are you insane or what? when I called, you said "yes oga" but wen I asked you a question you dn't answer me? Akin replied,"hmmmmmm oga when you are in the kitchen you don't understand anything at all except your name" "Is that so?" his boss asking his wife. Okay, go to the bar stand beside Madam, while I go into the kitchen then, you ask me a question. Akin accepted. When his boss was in the kitchen he shouts: "Oga". "Yes, Akin" The Boss answered. Akin then asked, Who goes into Aunty Yetunde's bedroom at midnight when Madam is not at home? No answer. Akin shouted again: "Boss, I say who dey sneak into Aunty Yetunde?s room when madam no d̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣̥ house? ??answer. The Boss runs back from the kitchen shouting "Wonders shall never end
Ọ̥ọ̥ọ̥ ". Akin, It's true Ọ̥ọ̥ọ̥ , when one is in the kitchen, he doesn't anything except one's name. The wife now very angry interrupted, that's not true. It's a̶̲̥̅̊ BIG lie! Akin asked if she'll enter the magic kitchen and be tested and she agreed. Akin shouted "Madam", she answered "Ɣε̲̣̣̣̥§ Akin". Akin asked madam, Who'Ȋ̊§ junior'Ȋ̊§ biological father? Me or Oga? Madam rushed out of the kitchen. Its true dear, this kitchen needs to be fumigated oo!
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